The truth is, I’m a flawed human just like you!

We do NOT have all the answers inside.
Every answer the world has to offer only leaves us hungering for more.

What is light? What is dark? What is the truth?

Everyone has different answers.

The truth is… They cannot all be true.

I used to consult tarot/oracle cards, the planets (astrology), numerology, human design, pendulums, crystals, witchcraft, psychics, mediums, meditation coaches, sound healers, palm readers, aura readers, shamanic healers, reiki masters,
my higher self, and much more…

I took many classes, and dedicated hours of my life
studying gnosticism, buddhism, daoism, paganism, kabbalah, hindiusm, and so many different forms of spirituality and religions.

My question was not whether or not I believed in God, but which God would I worship?

Whenever Jesus was presented as an option, I rejected Him immediately because I did not like those beliefs.
I thought Christianity was only part of the puzzle, but not the whole pie. I thought believers of The Bible were narrow-minded and bigoted. I thought they were low vibrational and divisive.

So I continued practicing hours of meditation, yoga, affirmations, mantras, eating clean, being kind, prioritizing myself first. I tried being alone and I tried being with people. I felt like I had looked everywhere for answers, only to be left empty. I went on group spiritual retreats, solitary retreats, and took many drugs (mostly psychadelics and cannabis).

I went to therapy for years, took prescription medication, searched for healing from inside of myself and from others. It seemed like everyone had it all figured out. I wore that same mask.

All these things promised me relief from my anxieties and depression (which they would, momentarily). Yet, I also found these things further heightened my anxiety and created new dependencies.

I read tarot as my full-time career. This was my life.

I centered my life around finding peace for myself, doing what felt right. I made these practices my routines and rituals. I valued my way of spirituality above anything else in this tangible world.

It sounds fun. It looks bountiful on the outside, but within my soul, dwelled continuous cycles of pride and turmoil.

I did all this just to find peace and healing, but spiraled deeper into even darker places. I became delusional.
I was demonically possessed.

I frequently questioned why my thoughts would get so dark.
I wondered if this is how my whole life had to be.

Why did I feel so empty? What is the purpose?
If this is the truth to peace, where was the peace?

Peace only existed in fleeting, temporary moments. Maybe a few hours or days at best. I would find peace, then instantaneously lose it. I desperately longed to find peace again and was left more and more in hollow states of uncertainty.

While I read tarot, I taught others how to live this way.

I believed these tools were helpful, when in reality, they were harmful.

Nothing I tried “worked” no matter how much I believed. I found peace for a little, only to find myself feeling worse off than before I ever experienced “awakening”.

I felt like I was trapped in my own form of spirituality, and had to continue these practices if I ever wanted to continue finding this peace.

While all this was going on inside, my outside reality continued to reinforce that I was doing something right. Others told me how helpful my readings were, yet I continued wandering, lost in darkness. And leading others in that same direction.